Just Us Three
For the past six years, I have often felt a lot of pressure to be someone I am not. Once I was thrown into it, I did not feel like I was cut out for being a public figure. My mental health suffered. My general health plummeted. I had to find ways to learn to appreciate public speaking (which I am surprisingly really good at) and enjoy my job enough to support my family. Then the miscarriages happened--four over 2020--which left me desperate for comfort from my spouse and instead I found isolation. But I was not alone. I had a small group of women who saved me through many difficult nights of feeling like I couldn't go on. They were there for me through the next four years of heartbreaking loneliness in my marriage. I started to question almost daily if I maybe just wasn't cut out for being a wife, either.
Similar to my public life at work, I tried to find glimmers of joy. I tried to ignore the fact that I was sacrificing things I valued in a relationship, like honesty, stability, and consistency. I tried to convince myself that things were fine. Truth is they rarely were. I was left alone in my grief and panic while juggling the expectation to support everything. All of this while doing a job that sometimes felt impossible. I found no solace in the person who slept next to me at night. While I searched for space to cope through the grief, it became obvious that I couldn't continue to be all of that and more for him, too. I couldn't keep carrying the emotional and mental load he needed me to hold.
After my dog died this summer, and I was left to grieve alone again, I decided to end my marriage. Something inside me finally put its foot down and said "No." My sanity and my ability to continue to show up for myself and my children and do my job is more important than the ability to post adorable pictures of a happy looking marriage.
I knew telling people this would likely cause a lot of disappointment. But I also knew I wouldn't be able to write my next book the way things were. I was barely able to write the last one. I wouldn't be able to find the creative space to do the things I loved. I wouldn't be able to be present with my children.
So, it's just the three of us again. I shouldn't say "just" but it feels right to say that. Because just us three is truly all I need. Well, that and this whole community of women who are my lifeline. I wouldn't be able to do this without you bitches.
Until next time.
xo,
-step.
You are in my prayers. The fact that you were even able to write and accomplish publication while raising children and dealing with trauma is awe inspiring. I always tell myself, "I'll write when..." I've been single handedly raising my son with no help since he was born and I'm still in the thick of it almost 6 years later. I find it hard to find the creative space I once occupied. Between the bills, the doctors appointments, the commutes, and being totally in charge of my tiny human, I barely have time to shower. Please know that reading your books gave me hope, as cliché as it sounds. The impact your story had on me was huge. Please take the time you deserve to enjoy your kids, relax, and recharge. The world needs your words. Know that there are many like you out there in the great big world. You are not alone. Sending you laser beams of light and love. ✌
At 66, and a widow from a mostly unhappy 30 year old marriage , I salute your self-care. I refuse to look back at what might have been and look forward to what I can do and be.