That is beautiful. Now, allow yourself, periodically, to pay someone to clean it so you'll feel inspired to declutter & perfect it again, because clutter happens. No idea what the interval should be but often enough to be at peace - & to keep decluttering time short.
I wondered where you went. I missed your honest musings!
People don’t know what writers go through. “Just” writing and publishing a book requires huge effort. But the book tours! Our 3 Melissas book team—the 3 Melissas who shared their brutal lived experiences of various forms of homelessness with my co-author Diana Bowman—is preparing for our national book launch in Raleigh, NC September 17-18.
My preparation grosses me out. My little teardrop camper that serves as my home away from home also provides unsanctioned shelter for mice. And my fickle fridge doesn’t want to work. First world problems. The 3 Melissas face the unusual dilemma of leaving home for 3 nights. Some moms would consider it a welcome vacation, but these moms have untold logistics to grapple with. Diana, I’m sure, has her challenges. But we’re all in on this launch, I think for some of the same reasons you go on your tours.
People need to know what’s behind the terms “homelessness” and “domestic violence.” The stories we all share will change lives for the better. Our books and our presentations make a difference. I feel bad that I won’t be in Illinois when you speak at the College of DuPage on Oct. 10. I’m super happy you will be there!
As a longtime admirer of you, Stephanie, I offer deep gratitude for your effort to speak up and shout out about your struggles. You illustrate the consequences of our collective refusal to support people, especially moms. Your anxiety is a grueling price to pay to do what you do. For what it’s worth, we’re with you in the spirit of solidarity. Take care of yourself!
I grew up in a household with similar Saturday cleaning rituals. I was eight and my dad would ask me if I had "moved the couch" to vacuum behind. As a result, messes and clutter make me anxious also. I have a huge "to do" list of chores and things to get rid of around the house and often feel I can't do other things that are enjoyable until all the chores are done. I'm learning to be a bit forgiving of myself but I also find that the more anxiety I have, the more I have the need to clean and declutter. I envy that you got all your stuff done!
It took me a while! But yeah it feels amazing. I try really hard to not pass along the generational anxiety about having a clean house. My mom did allow us to keep our rooms as messy as we wanted but there were comments about clothes/behavior sometimes. I offer to help with cleaning rooms and don't expect a lot by way of chores anymore. Story has a job that she's worked at for a year and she's taking really difficult classes so I guess I don't stress about whether or not her bathroom is picked up. That kid has proven her whole life that she knows how to be responsible, so I don't see why I should push my need for a clean house on her constantly. I definitely know that feeling of not being able to do stuff until stuff is done and I have just come to accept that it's part of my personality. ha.
Yes, the generational anxiety is real! My grown children live with me, so I don't go into their rooms anymore. They are good about keeping the common area kitchen clean, thank goodness!
I feel your clutter anxiety about which you write so vividly. I too was part of the mandatory Sat. Kids Clean Crew in my childhood home & I too was bathrooms. To this day, I wipe down the bathroom nearly every single time I use it so it won’t become a gross chore on the ever looming Sat.
Gosh this resonated. I feel stressed when things that have collected and take up space in a room or a shed and know will never be used. I have my mom’s dna and can still hear her say, “get rid of it!”
I once came out of an emotional blackout standing in the bathtub, cleaning the grout with a toothbrush. Current project,organizing decades of photos currently in a HUGE box In the living room. Putting these little parts of my world in order.
So interesting, Step, how those childhood cleaning sessions gave you the skills to clean for a living, which led to stories, which you wrote about, which led to a bestseller, which led to a movie, and more stories and now to a beautiful (and clean) home of your own. Fantastic what you've done with the elements of your life!
This desire for order struck a chord. I grew up in a "everything has a place" home. Mom had high standards for how things were situated and cleaned. There was definitely a right way to do things, and as the eldest child by a wide margin, I was her main supporter.
I inherited these traits, both out of practice and as a coping mechanism. The chaos played out in the family dynamics while perfectionism and orderly appearances provided the cover. When the emotional atmosphere was at the most volatile, I could soothe my lack of agency by organizing and cleaning and maintaining the yard.
I'm still an excellent organizer, and ruthlessly unsentimental of stuff. When I clean, there is zero half-assing. I've mellowed over time on the orderly vigilance but when I'm stressed or confronted by chaos, the itch to organize and clean comes calling. And wow, it feels wonderful to improve a space and make it more useable and livable, even when it's not my stuff.
I am extremely jealous of your meticulous planning ability and discipline to achieve goals, though. I'm not good at them. I'm more spontaneous and fickle with my passions and interests. It's a contradiction wrapped in a conundrum.
As a man, I feel like a bit of a unicorn but the ladies love it so I'll take it as a win. Plus, it breaks the stupid gender role-play patterns that have been stuffed in our brains.
Oh, I'm not sure how much planning was involved. It's more like a general idea of things I want to get done at a certain time of year, and if they don't get done that year then there's always next year. Granted, I had several barriers to getting stuff done. I guess the planning part is the stuff that creates panic attacks? Like mentally cleaning and organizing and planning everything, but that's what keeps me up at night.
Yeah, maybe I'm avoiding and masking my anxieties by NOT planning. 🤣 Being human is fun!
I meant mostly the planning and discipline in writing...but I also know that the practice is unique to each writer. Some are more chaotic, some more ordered. I'm trying to embrace the chaos in me instead of envying other writers behaviors and paths.
Wow. I recently bought a new home in a new state after my house flooded in Florida. I've been here for a month and have been paralyzed with overwhelm. Your post helps to validate my experience. I am hoping I have an opportunity and burst of energy to progress on our punch list so I can sleep through the night again.
I'm very sensitive to my environment as well, and this resonated with me, especially the line about seeing work to be done everywhere you look! I'm trying to shake some of this when things get busy, to ask myself if I would rather spend my time cleaning or cooking something nutritious (because there's rarely time for both), but I DO feel so much happier, calmer, and more productive in a clean house. Congratulations on getting your house projects done! Still looking forward to that happy day in my life.
Speaking as a fellow introvert, writer, and un-clutterer, I feel you. You did a great job! PS: My "un-cluttering name" is Ruth-less. Haha!
That is beautiful. Now, allow yourself, periodically, to pay someone to clean it so you'll feel inspired to declutter & perfect it again, because clutter happens. No idea what the interval should be but often enough to be at peace - & to keep decluttering time short.
I just loved this piece.
I wondered where you went. I missed your honest musings!
People don’t know what writers go through. “Just” writing and publishing a book requires huge effort. But the book tours! Our 3 Melissas book team—the 3 Melissas who shared their brutal lived experiences of various forms of homelessness with my co-author Diana Bowman—is preparing for our national book launch in Raleigh, NC September 17-18.
My preparation grosses me out. My little teardrop camper that serves as my home away from home also provides unsanctioned shelter for mice. And my fickle fridge doesn’t want to work. First world problems. The 3 Melissas face the unusual dilemma of leaving home for 3 nights. Some moms would consider it a welcome vacation, but these moms have untold logistics to grapple with. Diana, I’m sure, has her challenges. But we’re all in on this launch, I think for some of the same reasons you go on your tours.
People need to know what’s behind the terms “homelessness” and “domestic violence.” The stories we all share will change lives for the better. Our books and our presentations make a difference. I feel bad that I won’t be in Illinois when you speak at the College of DuPage on Oct. 10. I’m super happy you will be there!
As a longtime admirer of you, Stephanie, I offer deep gratitude for your effort to speak up and shout out about your struggles. You illustrate the consequences of our collective refusal to support people, especially moms. Your anxiety is a grueling price to pay to do what you do. For what it’s worth, we’re with you in the spirit of solidarity. Take care of yourself!
It was a rough couple of months there but hopefully I'm coming back!
I grew up in a household with similar Saturday cleaning rituals. I was eight and my dad would ask me if I had "moved the couch" to vacuum behind. As a result, messes and clutter make me anxious also. I have a huge "to do" list of chores and things to get rid of around the house and often feel I can't do other things that are enjoyable until all the chores are done. I'm learning to be a bit forgiving of myself but I also find that the more anxiety I have, the more I have the need to clean and declutter. I envy that you got all your stuff done!
It took me a while! But yeah it feels amazing. I try really hard to not pass along the generational anxiety about having a clean house. My mom did allow us to keep our rooms as messy as we wanted but there were comments about clothes/behavior sometimes. I offer to help with cleaning rooms and don't expect a lot by way of chores anymore. Story has a job that she's worked at for a year and she's taking really difficult classes so I guess I don't stress about whether or not her bathroom is picked up. That kid has proven her whole life that she knows how to be responsible, so I don't see why I should push my need for a clean house on her constantly. I definitely know that feeling of not being able to do stuff until stuff is done and I have just come to accept that it's part of my personality. ha.
Yes, the generational anxiety is real! My grown children live with me, so I don't go into their rooms anymore. They are good about keeping the common area kitchen clean, thank goodness!
I feel your clutter anxiety about which you write so vividly. I too was part of the mandatory Sat. Kids Clean Crew in my childhood home & I too was bathrooms. To this day, I wipe down the bathroom nearly every single time I use it so it won’t become a gross chore on the ever looming Sat.
Congrats on finding that feeling of perfect and peace. Here’s to many more good sleeps as a result.
Gosh this resonated. I feel stressed when things that have collected and take up space in a room or a shed and know will never be used. I have my mom’s dna and can still hear her say, “get rid of it!”
I once came out of an emotional blackout standing in the bathtub, cleaning the grout with a toothbrush. Current project,organizing decades of photos currently in a HUGE box In the living room. Putting these little parts of my world in order.
So interesting, Step, how those childhood cleaning sessions gave you the skills to clean for a living, which led to stories, which you wrote about, which led to a bestseller, which led to a movie, and more stories and now to a beautiful (and clean) home of your own. Fantastic what you've done with the elements of your life!
Yup.
This desire for order struck a chord. I grew up in a "everything has a place" home. Mom had high standards for how things were situated and cleaned. There was definitely a right way to do things, and as the eldest child by a wide margin, I was her main supporter.
I inherited these traits, both out of practice and as a coping mechanism. The chaos played out in the family dynamics while perfectionism and orderly appearances provided the cover. When the emotional atmosphere was at the most volatile, I could soothe my lack of agency by organizing and cleaning and maintaining the yard.
I'm still an excellent organizer, and ruthlessly unsentimental of stuff. When I clean, there is zero half-assing. I've mellowed over time on the orderly vigilance but when I'm stressed or confronted by chaos, the itch to organize and clean comes calling. And wow, it feels wonderful to improve a space and make it more useable and livable, even when it's not my stuff.
I am extremely jealous of your meticulous planning ability and discipline to achieve goals, though. I'm not good at them. I'm more spontaneous and fickle with my passions and interests. It's a contradiction wrapped in a conundrum.
As a man, I feel like a bit of a unicorn but the ladies love it so I'll take it as a win. Plus, it breaks the stupid gender role-play patterns that have been stuffed in our brains.
Glad to see some more words from you.
Oh, I'm not sure how much planning was involved. It's more like a general idea of things I want to get done at a certain time of year, and if they don't get done that year then there's always next year. Granted, I had several barriers to getting stuff done. I guess the planning part is the stuff that creates panic attacks? Like mentally cleaning and organizing and planning everything, but that's what keeps me up at night.
Yeah, maybe I'm avoiding and masking my anxieties by NOT planning. 🤣 Being human is fun!
I meant mostly the planning and discipline in writing...but I also know that the practice is unique to each writer. Some are more chaotic, some more ordered. I'm trying to embrace the chaos in me instead of envying other writers behaviors and paths.
You are an inspiration, regardless.
Wow. I recently bought a new home in a new state after my house flooded in Florida. I've been here for a month and have been paralyzed with overwhelm. Your post helps to validate my experience. I am hoping I have an opportunity and burst of energy to progress on our punch list so I can sleep through the night again.
Congrats to you and your peace before the storm.
I feel seen. When things are in order I can function. Congrats to you and good luck this fall!
I'm reading this at 03.48, spending my 3rd night in a new house that's still being renovated... Thank you for sharing this 🩷
I'm very sensitive to my environment as well, and this resonated with me, especially the line about seeing work to be done everywhere you look! I'm trying to shake some of this when things get busy, to ask myself if I would rather spend my time cleaning or cooking something nutritious (because there's rarely time for both), but I DO feel so much happier, calmer, and more productive in a clean house. Congratulations on getting your house projects done! Still looking forward to that happy day in my life.
This piece speaks to my soul.