File Under: Things Not Included in the Handbook for Being a Public Figure

For the past several months, people have alerted me to a former UofM classmate of mine who is writing a piece about me and has been “interviewing” people. Specifically, a therapist I haven't met, and with a focus on my mental health. When I first heard about this, it triggered a lot of stuff, and I was pretty freaked out for weeks.

She hadn’t talked to me personally about it at all, even though she has all of my contact information. We’ve sent each other Christmas cards. I sent her copies of my books. She came to both of my book events for MAID and CLASS, and we went out afterward for snacks and drinks both times. She met my husband multiple times and my children. Her choice to interview others before contacting me was a little unnerving, to say the least. Especially given the subject matter.

This person did not give me any context for the piece, just that she needs to speak her “truths.” I’m guessing she’s upset at how I wrote about my personal experience at UofM. Which is fine! No two people will have the same experience. But she has “interviewed” at least one therapist, my former professors, people I have known, friends I have had, and other writers in my town of Missoula and beyond.

My former classmate stated many times through text that she talked to “multiple people who would “love” for [the piece] to be a takedown” of me. One of the people she interviewed is a former friend of mine who’s been very public about hating me, so I guess that makes sense, but now I’m left to wonder how many of those “multiple people” are ones I might run into at the grocery store. My kid’s dad used to love to use that kind of language, except his was “everyone in town thinks you’re crazy” and this triggered a nerve. One that I have desperately tried to calm, soothe, and completely bury.

After hearing about her interview with a therapist to talk about my mental health, I of course did not agree to an interview when she finally texted to ask for one. She texted me again recently and really pressed me on it, which, from my experience, is unusual and unprofessional behavior. I was clear that I do not appreciate her discussing my mental health issues with therapists out of “concern” when she is, in fact, actively working on a piece about me that she hopes to publish. According to her, “several” places have “shown interest” in it already. I would sincerely hope this former classmate understands her bias, and the ethics involved in making assumptions about things she has very little understanding of. My mental health is something even I have a hard time making sense of, if I’m being completely honest. It’s part of the reason I started writing on this platform.

I’d gently like to remind everyone that this situation has happened in pretty heart-shattering ways over the years. One person told me she expected me to write a blurb for her by way of relaying a conversation with an editor she was working with for a book proposal. When the editor asked if she thought I would write a blurb she said her response was “Well, I went to her wedding so she fucking better!” Some borrowed a lot of money and then faded away. Another who had been a good friend of mine sent me a string of texts in the middle of the night to break up with me for no reason. Then, three years later, she read my second book “out of spite” and made lengthy, multiple posts to straight up call me a liar, slut-shame me, and say I am a neglectful parent for leaving my daughter with babysitters (one of which was her friend, but I digress).

All of this has worn me down and kinda forced me to not trust people. As I have written here before, success was a really isolating experience for me. I have some close friends I hold tightly to, and who have saved my life many times. But I am a recluse in my home town. That's why the barn has become such a sacred place for me. And now, I guess, I will wonder if the person I am talking to is one who wanted my former classmate to write a “takedown” of me. Since posting about this on Facebook this morning, I have heard from quite a few people who were also asked for interviews. The purpose, from what I’m gathering, is to “expose” me for “lies” that, apparently, were not vetted by multiple lawyers who read the book before it was published. It’s all starting to feel like some kind of piece that’s meant for tabloids, and I wish it could be funny.

Unfortunately, as a person living with C-PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, all this does is feed my paranoia. I’m a shy introvert who works as a public speaker to support my family. I desperately need spaces to recover, and the place I’ve called home for almost 13 years no longer feels like that for me. It hasn’t for a long time. If anything, I ask for your understanding if you invite me out for coffee or something similar and I politely decline. It’s not you. It’s that all of this shit really affects me. I mean, I don’t even go out on dates with my husband anymore. I hardly go to the grocery store. Anyway. Thank you for listening, and for understanding if you do. (This is hard for *me* to understand.)

Know that I hold your support close, and I do appreciate that so much.

Until next time, which I hope are under better circumstances…

xo,

-step.